The cost of leaving: Why some women are crowdfunding their divorces

Megan Harper started pumping gas at a marina when she was 14 — she’s always known how to turn a dollar. 

Now a 41-year-old mother of three, she’s a marketing executive in a Charlotte, North Carolina, suburb and runs a six-figure social media agency on the side. She has also built an online following of tens of thousands of people.

But when her marriage fell apart, so did the financial equation that sustained her family.

Harper’s husband was arrested in September 2024 and charged with felony assault by strangulation and several misdemeanors related to domestic violence, including assault on a female, threats and violating a protective order, court records show.

What followed, Harper said, were multiple legal proceedings involving criminal charges, custody and divorce, all while she tried to support three kids. With full custody, she couldn’t travel for work to meet clients, shrinking her earning ability. Legal expenses mounted. The bills kept coming. 

Harper received legal counseling and access to Medicaid through Safe Alliance, a North Carolina nonprofit that helps people impacted by domestic violence, sexual assault and human trafficking. Online followers keeping up with her story started asking how they could support her. Harper started a GoFundMe, which raised over $13,000 through 270 donations. 

“I was holding way too many hats to figure out how to do it alone, so I asked for help,” Harper said.

She wasn’t at risk of losing her home — she’s quick to acknowledge that. But she was trying to keep life stable for her kids on one income while legal bills piled up. Crowdfunding helped her avoid a more precarious financial situation. Without it, she would likely have needed food assistance, she said.

Harper is among the women turning to crowdfunding and other forms of community support to afford getting from married life to whatever comes next. She had resources many women contemplating divorce don’t: her own income, professional experience and an audience willing to help. But even she needed support. Some women borrow money, take on debt, ask family and friends for help — or make the intensely private experience public in the hope that others will help support them.

The average divorce cost nationwide ranges from $10,000 to $15,000, according to the American Bar Association, while contested divorces can run into tens of thousands of dollars. The burden can be especially heavy for women, who often navigate widened financial gaps because of their children or lack of insight to household finances. 

Donna Cates, certified divorce financial analyst in Birmingham, Alabama, said some of her women clients don’t know how much money their household has or can’t access it when they need it.

“The biggest concern in those early stages is that lack of control, not knowing what money is there and not having the ability to spend it when you need to,” Cates said.

One of Cates’ clients, a mother with two school-aged children, earned about $10,000 a year part time while her husband made about $120,000. Her earnings went into a joint account he controlled, and she had no access to that money before or during the divorce, Cates said. She now works three part-time jobs and struggles to find higher-paying work after years of limited employment. 

Most attorneys require some payment upfront, said Renee E. Turner, a New York attorney focused on family and marital affairs, who has represented survivors of domestic abuse. A woman may eventually be able to ask a court to order her spouse to contribute to her legal fees, Turner said, but she may need money for an attorney just to get to that point.

“When a spouse doesn’t have direct access to financial resources, it can be very difficult for them to safely leave the marriage and secure the legal help they need,” Turner said. 

Even lower-cost help can be tough to afford. 

Samantha Boss, a high-conflict divorce and co-parenting strategist with a large social media following, offers parenting plan workshops, including a $37 option designed to help people reduce divorce conflict, in part to keep legal costs down. When she began offering payment plans, they took off. Some people paid the $37 fee in installments over 12 months.

For mothers, the financial strain of divorce can be compounded by years of earning less while raising children.

Mothers are more likely to reduce their work hours after having children, while fathers’ hours change much less, widening a preexisting gender pay gap. Mothers make up some ground as their kids get older and they can work more hours, but the earnings gap between mothers and fathers persists, according to research from economists. 

And the costs of raising children don’t necessarily end with a divorce. 

Simul Jhaveri, a Chicago family law attorney, said basic child support, if awarded, doesn’t reflect every expense involved in raising children. Healthcare copays, extracurriculars, field trips, teacher appreciation gifts, haircuts and other costs add up, particularly for the parent carrying more of the day-to-day expenses.

“You shouldn’t have to feel like you have to stay in a marriage because you don’t have the financial resources to leave,” Jhaveri said. “It really just shows that access to justice can depend on how much money you have.” 

Though crowdfunding can help individual women bridge the gap, there are also legal risks involved during a divorce. Boss advised that women consult an attorney if they can before starting a crowdfunding page. What they share publicly about their finances or their case could potentially be used in court, she said.

Olivia Howell, 41, knows what the cost of starting over can look like. When her marriage ended in 2019, she stayed in the marital home with her two young sons. But after her former husband moved out, the house felt empty.

“I thought, ‘This is the moment I need to rebuild and really make this house a home,’ but I didn’t have the money to do that,” said Howell, who lives on Long Island.

Howell created baby registries when her children were born, and she wondered why she couldn’t do the same for divorce. That question led her and her sister to create Fresh Starts Registry, which launched in 2021, for people rebuilding after divorce and other major life changes. 

What people ask for is often remarkably ordinary. Howell said affiliate data show some of the most sought-after items are towels, sheets, dishes, utensils, pillows, blankets and pots and pans.

“At the core, the first thing people want are the basics that make a home feel safe and theirs,” Howell said.

Fresh Starts Registry also has over 200 “Registry Fairies” who sign up to support strangers starting over by contributing to their registries, Howell said.

Scarlett Longstreet, 38, needed those basics when her divorce was finalized in June 2024. The Detroit mother of three, including twins, had been a stay-at-home mom for nearly a decade and was making very little money of her own. She spent 14 months separated but still living with her former husband while their divorce wended its way through the courts.

When Longstreet finally moved out, she took a mattress, a small couch and a bookshelf, along with her personal belongings. Dividing everything else felt daunting.

“It seemed so emotionally taxing and overwhelming to even be in continued conversation about the division of goods — pulling your world apart by your fork, your air fryer and your toaster,” Longstreet said.

Longstreet learned about Fresh Starts Registry through Howell, whom she connected with online. She filled hers with items like dish towels, sheets and night-lights for her kids’ rooms. She shied away from asking for bigger items because she worried about appearing extravagant. 

“It never occurred to me that this major life transition is one that I should be able to depend on my community to rally behind me for when I actually needed it most,” Longstreet said.

Nearly two years after her divorce, Longstreet was sitting in the living room of the home she created for herself and her daughters. Behind her on the mantle were pictures of her favorite musical artists: Sade, Fiona Apple, Stevie Nicks and Courtney Love with her band. It’s art she probably wouldn’t have displayed in the home she shared with her former husband, she said.

“People really underestimate how foundational it is to just how we feel every day, waking up in a space you want to be in, that you feel emotionally safe in, that you feel cared for,” Longstreet said.  

Asking for help publicly can be difficult. Harper in North Carolina felt vulnerable starting the GoFundMe, but also? 

“Fuck it,” she said. “Why do I have to be embarrassed about it? Everyone already knows. What is there to hide?”